Familiar

I learned today that Tae is deadly with a ball in his hands. When I came home, I was thinking about how I usually feel tense all the time. Not sure quite why, my mind wanders all over the place when left alone for too long.

I usually appear very tense when other people look at me. I look kinda hunched, robotic, kinda like I'm trying to keep warm or something. The weird part is that I usually don't notice how tense I am, but it's pretty obvious when I am, I guess. It's the same for everyone, when you look at someone you can totally tell when they are bunched up in a knot or when they are lieing back on an invisible hammock. Strange how we never notice it, I certainly don't notice it when I do it--you just feel like your relaxed, but really you're just too used to curling into a ball.

It's so hard to just lie back, I mean like really lie back and relax. Back of the head planted on the floor, shoulder blades rubbing the ground, hands behind head or some other curly looking position-- it really is hard to do it when you think you're already "relaxed". It's because we cling to the familiar, not the fact that we're relaxed. Lieing straight on your back is unfamiliar--uncharted territory.

I knew I could have just lied down at any moment. It isn't physically demanding or anything so why not? But whenever you try to ease into it, everything feels so awkwar-- the way my back bent, the weight on my chest pushing me towards the floor--it all felt so foreign. Everytime I would try I would just hunch up again, the exact same position too. Indian style crossed legs with my arms wrapped around my knees in a wide "O". It's so hard to just let all of that go when you it happen day in and day out.

I was afraid of, the unfamiliar, but I have to admit, when I finally stretched and lied back, I felt more at peace than I ever was. I felt like I was rewarded for letting go of the familiar.