Wow, I just noticed that I'm starting to love using what do you call it... those words that mimic both sounds and actions as titles now. Oh yeah it's called ONOMATOPOEIA! Yummy, lameness galore. I'm on my dad's brand new lap top (a dell). Just exploring the possibilities with this baby. I can already see it loaded up with plenty of my goodies in no time. Hehehe, possibilities, possiblities... Oooo let's see, photoshop, java, php, mysql, apache, flash, adobe premier, sound forge, and dreamweaver are just a couple of little trinkets to hopefully spice this hunk of junk up (I say junk with utmost affection). Screw proper sentence structure anymore, I have a freakin chem mid-term tomorrow, so I better start studying. I really want to take this thing for a spin outside my house. Damn it's so convenient and it feels so comfortable to work on it. OOOOOOooooooh aaaaaah.... it feels so good!

Hmm come to think of it, all of this reminds of my parents strange paranoia that if I play games with an electronic object it'll LITERALLY EXPLODE. Yes, you heard me EXPLODE! I remember when I had a psx I couldn't use it on the living room t.v. because it just happend to stop working a few MONTHS after I hooked the psx to it. Ok, it's obviously just a coincidence that it stopped working after I hooked it up, (can you really call it that if there isn't even a clear connection between a psx and a t.v. which just fries out of nowhere.) but by god my parents just would never let that thing go. Whenever they hear any whizzes, or boings they immiediately think I'm on the verge of making something melt. My god, the t.v. didn't EXPLODE because I played psx on it every odd day. Yeesh, I wonder if they'll get worried if I play mine sweeper on my dad's lap.

---

Dad: Mine sweeper... BUT I JUST BOUGHT THE LAP TOP JEROME!
Me: (Slams wanker through monitor)

---

Oi!

Hmm.... had a nice talk with Ricky today. Strange out of all the people I'd think would care about my performance in school Ricky was actually the last person I thought would care. He's always been pretty good in school, excellent work habits, and decent grades. I was just sitting next to him in geo--barely awake because I've been missing sleep in the last few days; and he tells me that he thinks I've been falling behind. It's weird he actually sounded concerned--in a weird kind of way I did feel kind of good because, he thought I could be doing better, but at the same time I was a bit offended because I didn't think school was becoming an issue for me. I think I gave him the impression that I was struggling, and I do admit I AM STRUGGLING... but just a bit. Long story short, I told him that I felt like I had alot of things to do, and fewer hours to do them all in; and he told me that he felt the same way too sometimes. Even for him-- an A student (I say that with respect), he still crammed stuff in the later hours of the night. He sleeps as soon as he comes home so he can stay up and cram his hw past 12:00am. I never thought he ever had to cram anything, I see him like planning and studying like an entire week ahead of the test sometimes. He even started studying for the math mid terms last friday, yet I'm sitting here planning to cram half a year of math in about 2 days before the test... :(

Hmm... just realized that everything I've written above didn't lead anywhere! Hahaha.... err... anyways, if Ricky has a hard time getting his act together, then I know I'm just plain screwed because I don't work nearly as well as Ricky. I need to get my act together, half the year is already over, and it helps to know that there is someone out there who thinks I'm capable of more, so I'll get it to work for sure.

Ok better get myself on track. *Whistles the tune to In the Still of the night*

Yay! The web team workshop went really well! It looked like people enjoyed it for the most part. I think the web team will be in good hands for next year. We have a good bunch of younger grades this so I can't wait to see what they'll do. I just hope everyone can remember to the hand in their work properly XD.

So tired now. Ack! Well let's see, I got a bit of homework, and even fewer words to say so I'm just going to end it now.

Learn, learn, learn more and keep on learning!

Well, I'm doing some hard core math studying right now. Don't really know what to post at the moment. Hmm... Hmm... Hm... err..

Following things going through my mind

The windy site really does need a revision or at least A DECENT UPDATE! Amazing how long the front page can go on empty before anyone gives a damn.

I need to do well on these math tests. Ugh, I hate second chances -- mainly because there won't be a third. I can actually turn things around from here, so I have to make sure I do my best.

Geo sucks! Third lowest mark whoopy!

I can't believe I drank a power drink today. My hands are trembling profusely. JK.

It's about time to start moving again.
Geo series +2
Geo sequences +1

I think I should go out for a jog soon. I haven't been active at all lately these few months. Everyday, I wake up feeling a little weaker than the day before. It probably isn't a good thing anyway.

A while back I used to think that I felt my best when I was off doing things on my own. I thought I was being responsible or taking charge or something that made this kind of weird nostalgic feeling in me. I wanted to find jobs, get into shape, solve problems--everything by myself. Long story short, I don't feel that way anymore. My friends and family were with me all the way through, but I acted as if I had to do this for them; even though they told me I didn't. I never needed to do anything alone. There was nothing I needed to prove.

The job was a stupid idea. I didn't and still don't really need the money, and my parents even said that they didn't need me to work, but I did it anyway. Sometimes I just walk to places, on my own. This is gonna sound stupid, but even though the places I walk to aren't even that far or important (sometimes it's just 7/11 or the central library downtown) I don't bother calling anyone because I thought no one would be interested. That I'd just drag them along like I was trying to show them how busy I was, or something. I was lonely all those times.

Yup, I was a moron, a big one too. Now I'm start to feel it. Alone. I just realized that we don't have much time together, and the last thing I want to do is to spend it by myself. Soon we're going to be graduating, and maybe even start to move our seperate ways. I don't want to end this year without sharing any memories with my friends.

I better start running before it gets too cold.

I feel like crap. Yes, that about somes it up now, well I'm starting to feel like I have absolutely nothing to do now. Yeah Sunny said to me a while back, that he didn't really no what to do now, now that he doesn't play games as much. That leaves lots and lots of time for people to bore themselves, and brood very nasty thoughts. Hmm.. what am I thinking about right now: "Fuck."

Yup, that's about it. I don't know what I want to do anymore. I don't feel like pking sometimes, and I feel like I'm being put down for that: "ur cut. "-Bryan. I don't feel like working on the damn web, or on the damn school site anymore, and I feel put down for that too: "Did you even do any work on the site yet? "-Eric. (WOWOWOWOWOWOW gosh, I actually think I might have come close to using formal quotations properly just now. Thank you Ms. Mardock for all the times you made me feel like a load of crap! But it's all worth it because I learned how to quote things well. :P)

Wow, just wow. You know I can't even get up in the morning anymore? I wake up right at 8:00am, just in time to make it to school at 8:35. I don't care about coming to school early ever sometimes. I've pretty much given up the idea of me having my friends ever think that I'm more than some dead log in the morning. FUCK THAT SHIT! I mean, it's just plain annoying is what I REALLY meant to say. I swear to god, I hate it so much when someone says a crack about my tardiness, or my penmanship, or says I'm fucking stupid. ERIC if you call me an idiot one more time, I won't hold back to show how stupid we BOTH, know you are. I know I am not stupid you're an idiot if you think otherwise.

You know what I love though? I like how I can spend alot of time on my blog, only to have people say to me that I've wasted my time. I want to get this very clear.

---

This was not ever a waste of time for me. You can stop reading this stupid shit. Hit Alt-F4 and close this crap, before I give you eye cancer.

---

Wow, I actually understand what it means to commit suicide out of boredom. When you finally realize that there is nothing left for you to bother doing anymore, you consider suicide because it's something you haven't done yet. What is there to do now!?

omg.... fuckin` emo.

I don't know what do now. There is nothing left to look forward to. Oh god. I don't feel good. What're you supposed to do when everything you do feels like it just brings more trouble. Ugh, I can't even play games without thinking about who I'm gonna break a promise with if I don't play. I want everything to just slow down for a moment. Ahhhh! I said I didn't want to stop changing, but now look. I'm a bad person now because I want everything to stop for me. Damn I bet, there is no balance, damn this entire thing doesn't make any sense anymore. I hate all this crap.

OMG it's not even the first day of school and I already started to pull my hair out. I thought I lost my career prep. evaluation form and seearched my entire room looking for it. ARGH! I was thinking to my self,
"AHHH! Not again! This year was supposed to be different, I was supposed to be prepared for anything, everything was going to happen the way I wanted it to."

Ya, but long story short I found it and now I can give my heart a rest. Seriously though, I was actually frustrated, I'm still pissed off when the unexpected happens.

I mean C'MON!

You spend like the entire day planning out the entire week so that you can advert having a stroke mid way through mon-fri, then something stupid happens and you're being rushed into an emergency vehicle, in a strait-jacket to keep you from ripping your lungs straight out of your chest. Anyway, lesson is... LIFE SUCKS SO WE SHOULD CRAWL INTO A HOLE AND DIE as hard as it is to admit, the unexpected does happen (more often then not I assure you) and I guess learning how to deal with it and just preparing for it is always a good idea.

How am I going to prepare for it? How am I going to deal with it? I don't know, but I think I'll have to figure out soon or this year will be to waste. OOOOOOOOOOooooh, a spur of inspiration and motivation: Get some of that damn hw, done before the last minute so that I can spread it out for the bigger stuff; and keep my sanity.

OK, I'm leaving this to the permanence brought by the internet, which is like a puddle on a hot summer day. I definitely want to write this so that I do not EVER forget what I (yes selfish I know) really want, and not fall for what other's expect/want from me.

1. I have a job, because I want to buy a new video card. Any other long term goals I will follow if it is what I want. There is no other attachment other than that. There is no sense of duty to what I do. I do it for myself.
2. I work only from Thurs-Sun. I will not accept, any duties that are out of my availability. I agreed to those hours for a reason, and I do not plan to wane from it.
3. If I ever feel work is impeding ANY aspect of my life, (school, friends, health) I will NOT hesitate to quit. I said that I wasn't planning to work during school, so I'm already pushing it.
4. September is my trial month, I will seriously consider if everything is fine as is and carry out proper actions depending if I am fit to continue working or not.
5. Mind the list people, but THIS IS FOR ME!
6. This list is a fail-safe to stay true to myself. I will not forget this.